god_stories's Xanga

Started new venture...and blog

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 18:01:58 GMT

I have this idea for a business / community venture that I'm pursuing with some new friends. I'm calling it Peace Dinners at the moment as a working name. Its really just an idea in my head, but I've shared some of my thoughts with others and I'm sensing a common passion...so we're continuing to explore with the hope of starting the venture soon.

I started a blog today as a way to collect people with common interest. You can check it out here:

www.peacedinners.com

God doesn't need me!

Sun, 01 Nov 2009 20:38:34 GMT

Transition leads to conflict
I've continued in my vocational transition...and feel that its divinely inspired and led. I've also felt divine encouragement to negotiate a reduction to what I pay in child support...perhaps related to my transition. I'm divorced...and believed that a reduction would not put my daughter at risk. There's lots wrapped up in those previous sentences that may stir one in different ways, but I'll not say more about it.

So I pursued a discussion first directly with my ex-wife and than through the court system. The week prior to the trial date (the process was almost a year long) I met with my lawyer who suggested I accept a certain settlement proposal. I couldn't see how the settlement was aligned with the transition I was experiencing...with its significant change in pay structure. After pushing back on my lawyer who very strongly encouraged me to accept I told him I'd pray about it over night. I'd felt divine leading to work with this particular lawyer and believed he had something of value to offer me even if I couldn't see it in that moment.

So on the way home I stopped at a reservoir park area where my ex-wife and I used to spend time when we were dating. I stood on the sand and stones at the waters edge and asked God what I should do. I felt a peace to accept the proposal. I wondered if it was a temptation to flee from conflict, because I couldn't see how it would allow me to continue my vocational transition. I thought of Gideon and his fleece (Judges 6), when Gideon asked God to confirm what God told him to do by requesting supernatural effects on a fleece he left outside overnight. I thought to ask God to confirm what I sensed He was telling me to accept.

God confirms the path I should take
I reached into my pocket and pulled a penny out. I prayed and said, "Lord, if the coin lands not showing heads...nor showing tails, but lands on its edge...I'll know you would have me move forward with the proposed settlement." I flipped the coin and it lands on the ground...upright ON ITS EDGE! I thought...NO WAY, but there it was upright in between two stones.

So I called my lawyer told him to make the proposal and expected it to quickly settle, after all it was God's will! They refused the settlement and countered. Well I was determined to defend God's will so I said no to the counter offer. They refused again and we were on our way to trial. Desperate I gave authority to my lawyer to settle at whatever was the best deal he could obtain...even if it was at the original/existing terms.

God exists, but does He defend me
So as I drove to a meeting of lawyers I was confident that God exists (which honestly is new for me when I'm in crisis). But I wondered did I hear God correctly when He encouraged me to pursue this through the courts...perhaps God didn't realize I couldn't hear Him accurately. Did He not have enough power to see His will come to pass in this 'secular' court process, after all I may be the only one who knows God of all involved. Are the Bible stories of Him declaring a thing then in mighty power making it come to pass not true...or were only true long ago?

I was hopeless as I drove...feeling that the source of all authority (God) was untrustworthy, aligned with my perception of earthly authority. I called my sister and a few friends. Each time I made connection I cried knowing that each knew me and were for me in a world that I felt in the moment was untrustworthy. When I arrived at the meeting I was told we'd already settled. I called my lawyer and he said. 'yep!' We settled at the proposal that God had told me to accept at the coin toss with only a minor modification that I believe will have nil impact beyond the short term.

Here's what I learned!
So how do I interpret all this? God doesn't need me to see His will fulfilled in my life and in the world. So God gave me a download...'go to trial'...I say, 'great, got it...I'll make that happen.' Then God says accept certain terms...I think, 'uh, I don't get it, but ok, I'll make that happen.' Then all my effort can't make it happen...so I give up all control. Then God makes it happen fulfilling what He said. Because of this experience I have enough faith in this moment to believe that He'll complete my transition, even if I don't know how it can happen given current circumstances.

"Control is an illusion." - Quote General Iroh in Avatar: The Last Airbender TV cartoon

My role I'm discovering is to love God and love others as myself. God's role is everything else. I'm beginning to believe this is the way to best experience an abundant life, finding rest in the living God. I'm beginning to understand how one can have peace in the midst of difficulties...'seek the kingdom of God...and He will give you everything you need (Mat 6:33)!'

Wish you were here!

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 02:24:41 GMT

Wish you were here by Pink Floyd

So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,
blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have you found? The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

Do you remember this 70's song? I just read a post on a friends blog (by a guest blogger) that reminded me. I was struck by the thought (inspired by the writer) that I'm certain most of the time I can tell 'Heaven from Hell,' and yet am sure in this moment that I have no idea. I don't want to feel pain and so I can be tempted to close my eyes, protect myself, turn off my feelings, distract myself...any number of ways to collude with myself to not see reality. The reality is that each day is offered as a gift and yet, there is pain, failure, loss, rejection, and limitations. So I'm tempted to 'exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage.'

"The place God calls you to, is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep need meet." Frederick Buechner

This song struck me as profound (never got it before)...and maybe the recipe for joyful life. Climbing out of the fishbowl...holding my breath until finding the next fish bowl, or pond or ocean...or that place to which God calls me...'the walk on part.' Discovering new fears along the way and facing the old ones again and again...in slightly different disguises.

'The closer to death I am, the more alive I feel.'
'If there's no risk, there's no adventure.'
'Anything that produces this much joy is worth the risk, physical risk, emotional risk...'
Quotes in the movie Steep (about extreme skiing)

Wish you where here!

God, who owns all authority, wants in!

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 01:07:08 GMT

I was talking with a friend of mine at work the other day...I'm still doing fund raising for the outreach ministry associated with my church. We wondered together what's the deal with sin...and linked that thought back to the original sin. Why do we do it...and especially why'd Adam and Eve do it?

For us, we're raised by broken parents, live in a sinful world, can wonder if we'll get what we need to survive, and many of our interpretations of our life experiences are untrue...so the fact we sin doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out why. But Adam and Eve? Their parent was perfect, they lived in the garden of Eden, had no worries or shame...so why they do it?

A quick aside...my view on authority has been challenged recently. I don't have much experience with authority that is trustworthy. I'm willing to believe that all authority comes from God, and ongoing I've been learning that God is trustworthy (that thought is stretching me honestly), but to trust human authority...eh, not easily.

So as I think about Adam and Eve...there was obviously a trust issue. God is good, God is trustworthy, God is perfect, God is omniscient, God has a rule 'No eating from that one tree,' Adam and Eve have no fear or shame....so they eat from the tree? What? Obviously they didn't trust God...and God knew they wouldn't and even expects something good to come from it (Rom 8:28)...what could that be?

Here's the thought that occurred to me as we talked. Jesus died as the lamb for the forgiveness of my sins and to release the Holy Spirit. He did all that so that He (source of authority) could dwell in my heart and the law would no longer need to be written in stone (outside us), but would be written on our fleshly hearts. Here's the revelation...not so that we'd be good boys and girls, but because He wants to be in close relationship with us. Can't be any closer than being indwelled by another. And because I'm close with (and loved by) the coolest kid in the universe I want to be like Him, act like Him...and so His law is imprinted on my flesh.

Back to Adam and Eve. God was outside them...they walked with God in the cool of the day (Gen 3). God gives them a law to live by (don't eat the fruit). God has gifted us as humans with creativity and curiosity so until we understand the why of something...or can 'internalize it' than we only have two choices when told to do something by an authority: follow the rules or break the rules. Once we invite God to indwell us (or internalize an idea or build trust in a relationship), than there is another choice and that is to pursue our desire/passion.

So God founded the verbal/written law at the time of Adam and Eve...knowing that the law merely reveals our sin (does not offer life)...than replaced the law for us with relationship with Him when Jesus died and rose from the dead releasing the Holy Spirit...bringing life (yet abundant life)!!

Am I to judge Adam and Eve...or myself...for sinning? No...the offer is to seek deeper relationship with the living God...not be a good boy!

'Love God and do as you please' - Augustine
'Sin boldly, but believe even more boldly' - Luther

One last thought about human authority. When Jesus invited others to work for Him, He first saw them (their gifting, limitations, and even their deepest dreams for themselves), showed them how their dreams aligned with His vision, then supported and enabled them to pursue their dreams. He didn't need to enforce rules...he just ignited their hearts, guided them through the labyrinth of their own heart...and into their destiny! The most powerful being that ever walked the earth didn't use power to enforce rules, but, my word, look at what an effective organization He founded!

Facing a Trial

Thu, 17 Sep 2009 13:45:14 GMT

I'm facing a trial of sorts and I don't feel the peace I've carried for the last many years of walking with Christ. I'm seeing myself react in many familiar ways. Ways that are hurtful

1) I want to feel loved for who I am (my gifts and limitations) and expect that to lead to peace and joy - it doesn't need to arrive in the package I think I desire, eg do I want a wife and an start-up business, I'm discovering that I'd rather have the peace...not the specific desires I have.

2) I'm reacting to an unsafe world the way I leaned earlier in the life. With God's grace in recent years I was amazed to see myself reacting differently. I felt safe in God's hands so had the space to offer grace to others. Now the world feels unsafe and I'm using the unhelpful tactics that allowed me to 'survive.' I'm now aware of the tactics I use and have seen myself react differently while feeling safe, so I now have a vision for how I can offer something life giving in the midst of an unsafe world. I think I need to trust that the outcome of any interaction will either not result in my 'worse case scenario' if it does occur that that will actually be to my advantage.

3) God's way is 'glory to glory' [ 2 Cor 3:18 "But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as from the Lord, the Spirit." ] I'm discovering He gives me a good gift by His grace and I see a new behavior revealed in me. I feel safe to 'try on' the new behavior. I then use my new behavior and recognize amazing personal value ... my life is more joyful ... so it becomes who I am. Then as life goes on new circumstances unfold in which I suddenly feel unsafe. The new behavior is not my 'default behavior' in those circumstances. I walked with my new behavior in a world in which I felt safe and my life was better, but when I'm feeling unsafe I have other practiced behavior that is 'tried and true' that allows me to survive. So I just react to my new set of circumstances as I always have. In this new situation I no longer seek joy, but only to survive...and my old behavior my past experience has shown allows me to do that. But as I do I realize I've lost something. I'm beginning to realize that I don't need to give up that joyful life and my new bahavior...even in my new circumstances.

Wind and rain; Fire and light

Wed, 02 Sep 2009 00:32:10 GMT

The moon fat and contented sits nestled amongst the trees
Stirred...look how nimble and steadfast that portly soul clambers up
Yet still rising even above the trees mayhap clinging to some ethereal line
Smaller and lighter the moon floats and dances in the heavens...wonder, defying earth and its 'laws'

What a journey to witness...comfort and sloth snatched away, yet passion and freedom is the gift
A night time story...a slow surprising scary hope filled adventure that starts at dusk and ends at dawn
So short...too short, and yet comfort not all the night through...nor heavenly dances
A story...a journey...a life with a beginning, a middle and an end...g' night, sweet dreams!

The way to peace

Sat, 04 Jul 2009 16:59:49 GMT

In the 1946 movie 'The Razor's Edge' (based on the novel by W Somerset Maugham) the Shri Ganesha, an Indian spiritual leader, says "...there are three roads that lead God: good works performed for the love of God; Faith and worship; and a third path that leads through knowledge to wisdom...but the three paths are but one path. It is written that the wise man lives from within himself, which is from God...from within his own heart. This is the way to ... everlasting peace."

John 14 "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. I am going there [my Father's house] to prepare a place for you. I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going."Thomas said to him, "Lord, we don't know where you are going, so how can we know the way?" Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life."

Each of us either search for meaning and understanding in the string of moments that comprise a life or become certain in what can not be known with certainty...only by faith. In what am I certain...in what do I place my faith? ...and what do I seek?

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1

Faith is not belief without proof, but trust without reservations. --Elton Trueblood

"You can only apprehend the Infinite by a faculty that is superior to reason." - Plotinus

It is not as a child that I believe and confess Jesus Christ. My hosanna is born of a furnace of doubt.-- Fyodor Dostoyevski

Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith. --Paul Tillich

Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd. – Voltaire

Man is what he believes.—Anton Chekhov

Christianity is not a message which has to be believed, but an experience of faith that becomes a message. --Edward Schillebeeckx

The farther we go, the more the ultimate explanation recedes from us, and all we have left is faith. --Vaclav Hlavatz

Injustice

Thu, 28 May 2009 00:54:09 GMT

Ps 64 Hear me, O God, as I voice my complaint; protect my life from the threat of the enemy. Hide me from the conspiracy of the wicked, from that noisy crowd of evildoers. They sharpen their tongues like swords and aim their words like deadly arrows. They shoot from ambush at the innocent man; they shoot at him suddenly, without fear. They encourage each other in evil plans, they talk about hiding their snares; they say, "Who will see them?" They plot injustice and say, "We have devised a perfect plan!" Surely the mind and heart of man are cunning. But God will shoot them with arrows; suddenly they will be struck down. He will turn their own tongues against them and bring them to ruin; all who see them will shake their heads in scorn. All mankind will fear; they will proclaim the works of God and ponder what he has done. Let the righteous rejoice in the LORD and take refuge in him; let all the upright in heart praise him!

I experienced injustice today and suspect I'm part of a people group that are oppressed. Honestly I've not experienced it before in such a profound way. Not getting the promotion I thought I deserved or being judged at fault for an auto accident I didn't cause...all feels hard and are unjust, but experiencing injustice b/c I belong to a people group is new for me.

As I prayed about it today, I realize I've not really been able to identify with those who are oppressed. I've almost subconsciously suspected that somehow they brought it on themselves. And perhaps in someway their progenitors may have through unhelpful behavior paved the way to stereotype that's led to persecution, but I realize its unhelpful, lacks grace, reveals my ignorance about the people group, and is unjust to think that way. We are each individual and not defined by the limitations inherent in stereotypes.

God is all about ending injustice...and He somehow uses us to help. For example, donating money to Love146 to end child sex trafficking is one way or like William Wilberforce to pour out one's entire life to follow a divine call is another. In Wilberforce's case it was two causes: ending the slave trade and encouraging the spread of 'manners' throughout England.

I'm realizing one first has to feel the very real pain of injustice in someway before one can glimpse God's heart toward injustice. I'm feeling pain tonight...and see the merest slivers of dawn's early light burning beyond the horizon...it hurts!

Praise the living God, who loves me and longs to see the earth transformed (Rom 8)...and He is calling me to fill the place He's ordained for me.

Heroic Leadership

Wed, 20 May 2009 15:30:11 GMT

Just listened to this speech by Cherith Fee-Nordling at the recent Vineyard Leadership Conference...I cried through half of it. [Warning its 86 mins long].

Vineyard Leadership Conference - Heroic Leadership

I sense God inviting me to die...with an offer of resurrection. I don't want to die, but I want all that He seems to offer. It is what it is...without death there can be no resurrection.

So I choose to say Yes to Yahweh! Its not clear where this will lead...or what will be the outcome...but I say yes! Praise the living God!

Choosing Life...instead of fear!

Sun, 10 May 2009 02:37:40 GMT

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love.
- 1 Jn 4:18

A life lived in fear is a life half lived. 
- Spanish proverb 

Fear not that your life will someday end. Fear only that you do nothing with it. 
- Unknown 

Consult not your fears but your hopes and your dreams. Think not about your frustrations, but about your unfulfilled
potential.  Concern yourself not with what you tried and failed in, but with what it is still possible for you to do. 
- Pope John XXIII

A Coward dies a thousand deaths, a brave man dies but one.
- Shaekespeare's Julius Ceaser

God continues to reveal the fears that I carry...and encourages me to walk directly into them with only clarity on a single outcome...freedom to face my fear. I've prayed that events unfold in my favor, but I don't have clarity on the specifics of how things may turn out. Even as I write this I sense how distant I am from my own heart...and yet appreciate that I know myself more than ever before. Yet I can be tempted to manage my desires and assess outcomes and make 'reasonable' decisions based on the facts. This last year I've chosen to pursue the desires of my heart and yet I walk in fear desperate for the outcome to go my way...and prove that God is good and that I'm hearing God accurately.

Oddly (at least to me) I've sensed God chuckling when I bring this concern to Him. I sense Him saying that a life fully lived is messy...period. Its just not predictable, but is passionate, joyful and free! I (and I think all of us) are attracted to a person pursuing their heart / passion / destiny! So God has been reminding me of my passions over the last year...and yet, I've moved toward my passions with one hand on the brake. I'm discovering what's slowing me is fear. God is revealing the face of festering fear roiling inside me.

I've clung to Him over the last years as I've faced deep fear after deep fear. Always asking Him what to do...and He has been merciful to advise me and I've been amazed at the positive outcome. Jn 15:15 "No longer do I call you slaves, for the slave does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I have heard from My Father I have made known to you." I now sense Him telling me that I am His friend. As friend I can seek Him, seek to know myself in pursuit of my desires and lay down my fear as I experience His perfect love.

So I now say thank you, Lord, for who I am...the passionate man you've shown me to be. I say yes, Father, to what is offered each day...as a good gift...and choose to lay down my fear, without foreknowledge, but only faith. I say yes, Jesus, to speak radical truth...I choose to trust you!